Bruce's Journal

In the animal kingdom, most parents make it near impossible for the offspring to "stay at home". They stop feeding them, or chase them away, or simply leave them, and move on without them. As I recall, DD2 has now graduated college and having said diploma, should be seeking employment in her chosen field. Perhaps it would be in your interest to pay for or hire a professional to assist her in finding that starter position, preferably well beyond daily commute distance, where you can help her start establishing herself as an independent adult who can become self sufficient. In other words, her own apartment that SHE is solely responsible for keeping clean, cooking for herself, etc. As for DD1, she has the migraine obstacle to overcome but since she'll now be attending college, I would surmise that her field of study will lead to a future field of employment as well. It's never easy but the longer it takes to accomplish, the more difficult it will become. In the mean time, might be time for a sit down and enlighten, ground rule establishing discussion with both, establishing the fact that as long as they are living with you, help around the place will be EXPECTED, without being asked, and that there is no more "freeloading" living for them. Make them WANT to leave!

Wishing you eventual success!

Bruce...pay her, then charge her room and board...that was a great idea you posted. I got my first job at fifteen, had to give my parents fifty percent toward my room and board plus do all the house work, all the laundry and baby sit my younger brothers and sisters....

Sorry, i forgot to wish you a wonderful trip and have a happy time turkey day...

DD1 will likely be more successful finding employment in her field. She wants to do translation and ESL. The "Modern language" (or whatever is it called) degree at Mt. A. requires 3 languages. She'll be taking Japanese, Spanish and German. The ESL is a secondary thing. Not sure if they have that at Mt. A. or not.

DD2 on the other hand wants to write fantasy novels. Haven't seen any job listings with benefits for fantasy writers. I expect there are plenty of jobs available in the general "Creative Writing" area but that sort of thing isn't what she wants to do. She could easily get a job teaching English in Japan, people do that who haven't taken any Japanese at all and she has that as her second major. But she doesn't want to teach, being out in front of people is not something she is comfortable with.

And yeah there is a fair bit of entitlement going on. Should have been dirt poor, then she would have had to get at least summer jobs in HS and college. Neither DW nor I grew up poor, just basic middle class, and both had jobs in HS, college and went to work soon as we graduated college. Same was true of our siblings. And none of that was because the parents said we needed to. It is what normal people did.

greybeard said:

I suppose you've seen this already....

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Nope and

Bruce said:

Same was true of our siblings. And none of that was because the parents said we needed to. It is what normal people did.

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Same here. Part time jobs all thru part of Jr High and all of high school. As soon as HS graduation was over, my father told my twin and I we would be paying my mother the princely sum of $85 each per month to my mother IF we were going to continue to live at home. This was for meals and laundry. Needless to say, that meant we both had to get paying jobs (the nonpaying job we already had helping our father didn't count), or get our axxes on out of the nest. Looking back, $85/mo was a bargain compared to what lay ahead.

Okay, so if she wants to write fantasy novels, why isn't she doing it now as a part-time thing and working another job to help support herself? Even if she is living home? Since you and your wife didn't grow up expecting everything to be handed to you, why is she like that? I worked all through high school because I wanted a horse. I had to pay for the horse, her feed and hay, all her equipment/tack etc., and pay for the lumber that built her little leanto type barn, which I had to help my dad build... It was my horse, not my father's.... I did not have to pay anything out of my wages to my parents while in school.....BUT had to help babysit for my brothers and sister, help with things like setting the table for dinner, did some cooking which was also good learning and practice, help in the garden during the season, but my brothers got the lawn mowing jobs which was fine with me... did laundry if needed although we didn't do our own due to wasting water so it all got done as bigger loads, helped stack wood for the wood burning stove. You didn't sit around and let someone else do it. Once we were earning any outside income, we did not get allowances, like after about 10 or 12.... AND we were expected to keep our grades up. We shoveled snow off the walkways and in front of the garage doors, but my dad did have a snowplow on his truck after I hit about 12.

I never had my own car living home, but once I had my liscense, was expected to do some of the "carting" of the kids to after school stuff. If I got to use the car then I was expected to put gas in it at least as much as I used out of it. I paid the extra costs on the family insurance for me being on their policy.

Once graduated from high school, we were given the "summer off free" (no board but still had to help with stuff) but once the first of Sept rolled around, you either went to college, or got married (my option) or was working and paying board to help offset the costs of you living there. $100/ month in 1971 for starters. I cannot for the life of me imagine just living off my parents. Nor did I want to, I wanted some independence. Even if I lived in their basement...as so many "milenials do"... it certainly would not be for free.

I can see some of the problems with the DD with the migraines, but still, does DD2 think that because her sister gets it a little easier due to the health issues, that she should get a free ride? And is she getting student loans to go to school or are you footing that bill too? My folks would pay for college classes, loans and all, but we had to buy our books and help with the housing and such. I should have gone to college....except I wouldn't have my kid.

Sorry, it just seems that by making their lives easier, as we all want to do for our kids, and that's not all bad, but you and your wife have busted your axxes with no appreciation for how tough life is and they are really going beyond.... whatever to take advantage of you and you are letting them.

Okay, only MY OPINION and you can tell me to go pound sand...

Bruce you aren't the only one who has grown kids at home. It seems to be a pretty common thing these days. I don't get it. I was out of the house at 17, had a job, apartment and was still in high school.

Senile_Texas_Aggie said:

and "The Chevy got stuck and the Ford got stuck".

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Corb Lund sings that and is near the top of my favorite entertainers.

When I was in high school, I had a job. My parents bought me a car, but I had to pay the loan, pay for my share of the insurance, and keep gas in it. Once it was paid for, I got the title. I remember my final payment was $18 dollars. My parents never gave us an allowance. We were expected to help with the housework, cook, clean, even do the yard work when necessary. My sister and I rotated who did what each week. One week I was entirely in charge of laundry, cleaning the bathrooms, and my sister would be in charge of the vacumming, and she would be in charge of the cooking and cleaning of the kitchen.
When I turned 18, and still lived at home, I was expected to help pay for the utilities. I would give so much out of my check from work to help with the expenses. I never resented it or questioned it. I was what was expected and was told would be expected as long as I lived there. I think it helped make me the financially responsible person I am today. I cant say that for my brother or sister, as my sister goes thru money like its a hot knife thru butter, and my brother has hardly any savings whatsoever.
Im certain your daughter has a great future ahead of her and will be successful at whatever she chooses to do. Im glad Im not a parent because I would be scared to death hoping that I would raise a child that would be able to make it on their own when the time came. Being a father can only make it scarier Im sure.