My BJ, My Husband has Died

Baymule

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BJ passed away September 20 with Covid Pneumonia. We both were sick, but he got worse and I took him to the hospital. He rallied and I thought I would be bringing him home, but that was not to be. The hospital called me that morning to tell me that they were putting him on a ventilator. BJ could hear me and we talked. We told each other that we loved each other. He was concerned over me, I told him that I was getting better and would come see him in a day or two. Just a few hours later, the hospital called back and he was gone. The only thing I have to be happy over that is that God was merciful and my BJ didn't linger for weeks and weeks.

I am devastated. I am lost. I am missing the love of my life, my best friend, my everything. On February 14, 2021, we were married 25 years. I am so blessed to have been loved so greatly. Most people live their whole lives and never have what we had. We did everything together. We never went anywhere without the other one. We were together on everything. Everyone who knew us could see the love we had for each other. He proclaimed his devotion to me to everyone. People only had to spend only a couple of minutes with us to see how much we adored each other.

I've been very weak. My neighbor Robert has come over twice a day to feed and care for my animals. Only a few days ago I could finally walk to the sheep barn and sit in a chair while he fed. I am pushing myself to do a little more each day. This morning I went and sat with Sheba and Sentry. They gave me lots of hugs and licky-face. Ringo came to me and the young ewes that he is with now. I got my sheep therapy. I cried, hugged dogs, hugged sheep and Ringo. I finally gathered myself together and fed the sheep, first time in weeks.

I am going to put the farm up for sale. BJ and I had been talking about moving farther south to be closer to family, so this is not a sudden rash decision. At this point, I don't know what I want to do. My son has a house on 2 acres that he bought to be a rental. Covid dropped the bottom out of everything and he just sat on it. He parks his RV in the yard and has been staying in that. House needs a little work, mostly it's stuff I can do. When I sell this place, I'll take my sheep and dogs and move to his house. It is located in Trinity county, I'll be 2 hours closer to my DD and family and I'll be an hour from my sister. Then I'm going to just hunker down for awhile and let time do what time does. Layne, my son, has two 40' Connex boxes that I can out outside stuff in. We are going to move a small 8'x10' portable building that I have, for a feed room. I'm keeping most of my sheep and my dogs. I'm selling my horses to a neighbor that is thrilled to have them. I've given away my chickens and the hoop coop to a disabled couple.

I need to get stronger, back to my tornado self, and get things done. Once I sell this place and move to my son's house, I will just stay there for awhile. God will open doors and show me the way. I don't know what that is yet, but I do know that I don't want to be here any more.

I'm having BJ cremated. He had a deep rooted fear of being dumped in a hole in the ground and left alone. He would get real emotional about it. We discussed cremation and that is what he wanted. I promised him that I would keep him with me and that he wouldn't be alone. Someday, my kids will have to do the same for me and put us somewhere together.

I finally folded and put away clothes that sat on the sofa for weeks. I finally got the blue jeans out of the dryer, yesterday. Dishes piled up and I struggled just to eat and drink. Food was either so salty tasting that I wanted to throw up or it was so sweet that I spit it out. I could drink milk. I've gone through a couple gallons of milk. For some reason, I can eat Eggo frozen waffles and orange juice. I'm getting my taste back, but I'm not cooking. In a little while, I'm going to town for onion rings. That's what I want today.

Coffee is still in the pot. I realized that was the last pot of coffee my darling made for me. It has mold floating in it. I look at it and cry. Maybe in the next few days I can bring myself to pour it out, clean the pot and make myself some coffee.

I'm so lost.
 

frustratedearthmother

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Bay, my heart breaks for you. I know you and BJ were each other's world and your world has been yanked out from under your feet. You were truly blessed to have had the love you had.

It's too early right now, but I hope that soon his memory will bring smiles instead of sadness.
 

Alasgun

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@Baymule we’re very sorry to hear about your Husband.
Isaiah 40; (They that wait upon the Lord) is the first thing that came into my head as i read your heartfelt story.
It’s a beautiful worship song And i hope it might bring some small consolation during this time of grief?
Ruth and I will keep you in our prayers.
 
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