Cecilia's-herd
True BYH Addict
This is my story I told myself I would never tell. This is a heavy read and may not be for everyone. I put this story on Sufficient Self and received an outpouring of love and similar stories.
I met with a young woman yesterday through my parish who just recently found out she was also pregnant. My wife convinced me to meet with her so I agreed.
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I only talked to her for about 2 hours and I feel like all I see is myself looking back at me. Where should I start? My story or hers? Let’s preface it with mine.
I’ve never made super great choices in my life. Even more so as a teen. All those bad choices came crashing down on me at a house party on Sunday, March 31, 2013. I went to my friend’s party like I used to every Sunday. It seemed no different than the rest. I was 15, young, happy. Gianna was there with me though we wouldn’t start dating until 6 months after.
I was poured many drinks that night so I couldn’t tell you which contained the rumored “date-rape drug” better known as Rohypnol. I have no memory of what happened after I went upstairs to lay down for a while. What I do remember is waking up next to my “friend” I’d only known for a week. Covered in a “substance” I think we all can guess. I was raped by a man two years older than me. 4 weeks later I found out I was pregnant. I will never forget those 2 lines.
It took me 4 months to tell my parents. They of course already knew. They knew I was gay when I came out too. They know everything. They had no idea how it happened until I told them though.
At 21 weeks and 4 days my dad couldn’t stand to see me in pain anymore and made an appointment at the abortion clinic. Found out the day of, I was having a baby girl. I had felt her move inside me for 3 weeks. Do I regret it? Every single day. But my dad knew it was what I needed. I will never be mad at him for it. I owe him my life.
****
This young lady had an oh so similar but vastly different story to mine. She is 17. She is 10 weeks pregnant with her abusive 20 year old “boyfriend”’s child. She had told him she was catholic and saving herself for marriage. She told him “no” more times than she could count. But he never listened. She was repeatedly raped and abused by this man. He threatened to kill her and the very little family she had left. It’s only her and her dad living together now. Her mom committed suicide when she was 2.
She is a good kid, abuse does strange things to you. The one thing I never found out was how she met this man. I know she is keeping the baby. She said it was “her fault and she has to deal with it.” I quickly tried to reassure her that it absolutely was not, to no avail. I know I’m now meeting with her weekly. A form of therapy if you will. I don’t know where we will go from here, but I see great things in her future. This was definitely divine intervention.
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I truly hope I was able to help her in some way. This is my first time in 8 years I've told my story to Others.
*******
I received a lot of "I'm so sorry"s on SS so I will also leave you with this
******
To all those sending there condolences to me; I thank you deeply but I don't need it.
I’ve healed. I regret and I mourn, but I’ve healed. I let that boy go long ago. I’m not going to let someone with no respect for me control my life and the way I feel. That's what he wanted.
This pregnancy brought out a lot of trauma that I tried to suppress for years. Which is why it was never supposed to be me. Gianna was always supposed to be the one to carry our children. After her miscarriage she had her own demons she had to handle so I stepped up to the plate. And here we are!
I wouldn't change the course my life has taken for the world. None of it. Because in my hardships; my suicide attempts, my nicotine addiction, my alcoholism, my depression, my PTSD, my anxiety, my abortion, my sexual assault, my drug addiction, I found slivers of joy.
The only thing I regret is not getting help for my substance abuse sooner. I only got sober after finding out I would be the one to carry our child (at the time I only thought there was one!) And honestly? Sober is the worst I've ever felt in my entire life. I feel like **** most of the time. But I know I'm doing it for people other than myself.
I'm going to leave you with something my chiropractor told me many moons ago.
"People don't die from the heroin itself, only the overdose of it."
I don't think I will ever completely understand what he was trying to tell me when he said that, but it suck with me.
I didn't write my story for pity. I wrote it so that others know it's ok. You aren't alone. And you don't have to stay silent. Rape shouldn't be a hush-hush topic. You can heal.
I met with a young woman yesterday through my parish who just recently found out she was also pregnant. My wife convinced me to meet with her so I agreed.
******
I only talked to her for about 2 hours and I feel like all I see is myself looking back at me. Where should I start? My story or hers? Let’s preface it with mine.
I’ve never made super great choices in my life. Even more so as a teen. All those bad choices came crashing down on me at a house party on Sunday, March 31, 2013. I went to my friend’s party like I used to every Sunday. It seemed no different than the rest. I was 15, young, happy. Gianna was there with me though we wouldn’t start dating until 6 months after.
I was poured many drinks that night so I couldn’t tell you which contained the rumored “date-rape drug” better known as Rohypnol. I have no memory of what happened after I went upstairs to lay down for a while. What I do remember is waking up next to my “friend” I’d only known for a week. Covered in a “substance” I think we all can guess. I was raped by a man two years older than me. 4 weeks later I found out I was pregnant. I will never forget those 2 lines.
It took me 4 months to tell my parents. They of course already knew. They knew I was gay when I came out too. They know everything. They had no idea how it happened until I told them though.
At 21 weeks and 4 days my dad couldn’t stand to see me in pain anymore and made an appointment at the abortion clinic. Found out the day of, I was having a baby girl. I had felt her move inside me for 3 weeks. Do I regret it? Every single day. But my dad knew it was what I needed. I will never be mad at him for it. I owe him my life.
****
This young lady had an oh so similar but vastly different story to mine. She is 17. She is 10 weeks pregnant with her abusive 20 year old “boyfriend”’s child. She had told him she was catholic and saving herself for marriage. She told him “no” more times than she could count. But he never listened. She was repeatedly raped and abused by this man. He threatened to kill her and the very little family she had left. It’s only her and her dad living together now. Her mom committed suicide when she was 2.
She is a good kid, abuse does strange things to you. The one thing I never found out was how she met this man. I know she is keeping the baby. She said it was “her fault and she has to deal with it.” I quickly tried to reassure her that it absolutely was not, to no avail. I know I’m now meeting with her weekly. A form of therapy if you will. I don’t know where we will go from here, but I see great things in her future. This was definitely divine intervention.
***
I truly hope I was able to help her in some way. This is my first time in 8 years I've told my story to Others.
*******
I received a lot of "I'm so sorry"s on SS so I will also leave you with this
******
To all those sending there condolences to me; I thank you deeply but I don't need it.
I’ve healed. I regret and I mourn, but I’ve healed. I let that boy go long ago. I’m not going to let someone with no respect for me control my life and the way I feel. That's what he wanted.
This pregnancy brought out a lot of trauma that I tried to suppress for years. Which is why it was never supposed to be me. Gianna was always supposed to be the one to carry our children. After her miscarriage she had her own demons she had to handle so I stepped up to the plate. And here we are!
I wouldn't change the course my life has taken for the world. None of it. Because in my hardships; my suicide attempts, my nicotine addiction, my alcoholism, my depression, my PTSD, my anxiety, my abortion, my sexual assault, my drug addiction, I found slivers of joy.
The only thing I regret is not getting help for my substance abuse sooner. I only got sober after finding out I would be the one to carry our child (at the time I only thought there was one!) And honestly? Sober is the worst I've ever felt in my entire life. I feel like **** most of the time. But I know I'm doing it for people other than myself.
I'm going to leave you with something my chiropractor told me many moons ago.
"People don't die from the heroin itself, only the overdose of it."
I don't think I will ever completely understand what he was trying to tell me when he said that, but it suck with me.
I didn't write my story for pity. I wrote it so that others know it's ok. You aren't alone. And you don't have to stay silent. Rape shouldn't be a hush-hush topic. You can heal.
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