Ragdollcatlady's Just a Little Patch of Weeds Farm journal

Southern by choice

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Well... here ya go.
Instead of all of us discussing what MR A should do or not do I think the bigger picture is being missed.
MrA may just have very healthy boundaries. Relationships starting out should never require anyone to give up anything- either party. Relationships are based on mutual interests, goals etc.

I wrote this in hope of being able to bring some light to a situation, I also have attached a link that is actually for divorced men but is still applicable.

~Although I was not asked I am going to say it anyway. I know many want to but are hesitant to do so. This is a community of sorts, and we grow to care about one another. Because of that I feel compelled to speak up.
None of us know the reasons for your recent divorce, and we don't need to. Regardless of the reasons. regardless if it has been loveless, regardless if it has been abusive, regardless if it was amiable, the reality is divorce takes time to heal from.

Where there was neglect, infidelity, lack of love, attention etc there is a place of hurt. That hurt needs healing.
Where there was abuse be it physical or emotional there needs healing.
Divorce is often compared to a death, The emotional strain and upheaval in a person is only second to the loss of a loved one.

Often, recently divorced men and women will be flailing internally. Looking for that love or attention they did not receive, looking for that feeling that they ARE desirable, worthy, etc. Looking for validation.
When someone has been married a long time and suddenly divorced they find themselves alone. They have not been alone in a true sense. They may have been or felt alone in an emotional sense but there was that other person voicing their opinions, disapproval, approval, control or whatever.

One of the hardest things to do is be alone.
Learning to be alone is key to healing and becoming strong enough for a healthy relationship. The key word- healthy.
Without learning to be alone a person cannot find themselves, remember you have been entwined with another... the years together and the reason for the split wasn't something that happened overnight so healing from it doesn't either.

Jumping into a "rebound" relationship is dangerous. It is not good for either party involved. Often because no healing has taken place once the newness and "high" of the relationship wears off the person finds they have landed in the same situation but couldn't see it because on the surface it all seemed so different. Those rebounds fulfill an immediate need of some sort. The other party is not dealing with a whole and healed person, they are getting someone that is hurt, or fractured, needs healing and hasn't taken time to learn about themselves.

The other party may be a truly wonderful person yet they will be the one dealing with the aftermath and the damage done from a bad marriage. The hurting party can, not meaning to, end up really hurting the new person. Heartache for both parties follow. Usually based on underlying expectations that were not met in the marriage and are now being brought into a new relationship.

The other side is who is the new person? Are you walking into something that is equally unhealthy, abusive, one who can spot someone who is vulnerable?
Are you willing to give up your passion, hobby, love for another person?

Boundaries are very important. Looking from the outside, and as the comments are presented, Mr A. could appear selfish because of the cat situation, or never leaving Alaska etc. BUT maybe Mr A just has good boundaries. Mr A may know himself well enough and have good enough boundaries to truly know what he is willing to do or not do. He sounds as though he is stating those things so as to not give a false impression. Not everyone can understand when someone is being direct. Boundaries are something that seems almost lost in our culture today. Moving boundaries to appease someone else in the long run will not be healthy for either party. Establishing boundaries up front is important.

Is the need to not be alone causing you to make decisions that you may regret down the road, such giving up the things that mean the most to you? What effect do you think that will have on you long term? What about the other party, once those things are realized and resentment of bitterness comes in?

One of the most important things you can do for you and all future relationships is to learn to love yourself, learn to be alone, learn who you are again. Enjoy being you, being with you. Find your identity.

With your Mr A- take it slow, for the both of you.;)

I think this puts it very well...
https://mensdivorce.com/wary-rebound-relationships/
 

ragdollcatlady

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Thank you for the advice, opinions, and the link. I did read it all.

I have actually been alone for much longer than what I have posted here. The ex moved out to his own apartment around 2 years or so ago. But over the course of 22 years, he hasn't actually lived in the same household all the time, sometimes years away, sometimes months... it's a long complicated story. But I have had alot of time really and truly alone to grow and develop myself. The anniversary I wrote about where we went for drinks and had a great time, he had to get ahold of me to see if I was going to be around that weekend, if I worked or wanted to do something, etc. because he wasn't here. I knew that was probably the last time we would be celebrating anything and I'm glad I went.

I did deal with a lot of the grief and sadness of losing the marriage I had hoped to have, many years ago. I was under no illusions of the state of the relationship the last 3-4 years. When I took my ring off, I was done. Biding time is different from holding on. And biding time is simply where I was for a while. Now it is down to the black and white... but that is Ok. I am in a healthy enough place that I am not afraid of holding my ground with the ex. He did try his usual shenanigans, but it is just time to be over and not be confused or controlled by him.

I have had a few really distressing things going on this last year and made some solid decisions. Some I have shared, some not. But I am strong and resilient. Years of dealing with things, frequently alone, has developed some of my determination to just keep on keeping on. I can have a day where, for whatever reason, my ego takes a shot or my self esteem is lower than usual, and I still know my own worth. Usually, I am back to myself within a day. A little sadness or a short struggle for any reason doesn't reduce my value, it is just life and life happens. Alot sometimes. I am a complete human all by myself. I like to have company and share time and things, but I am not uncomfortable being alone.

I am having fun with the flirting, a little attention does make me feel great. But I am not looking for a bandaid for a broken heart. I am looking for a friend that is willing to try for a deeper more meaningful relationship, eventually, once our friendship gets onto solid ground. I am being completely honest with Alaska and asking for the same. I have done a few cursory searches to see if moving might be a viable option, because it wouldn't be fair to him, to maintain interest if I am not open to his reality. But I'm not packing or planning anything yet. We are still "interviewing" and getting to know each other. We have both confessed our non-negotiables and if we decide we like each other enough, we can decide how to proceed at that point. I can compromise on the number of cats, but may not be able to do with none. We aren't at that point in our discussions yet, though it has come up. Communication with him is easy. And I am counting on those that know me best, to advise me on if and when they think I might be moving in the wrong direction. My family and closest friends know intently my own reality, know where I am at in life. I have every intention of introducing Alaska to them if I decide to make any really big decisions.

Thank you for caring enough to offer your advice, I am absolutely considering all of it.
 

Bruce

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Honesty is good :) And being honest with yourselves on what you can "do" and can't "do" is important. If you think "I can do ..." or "I can do without ..." but the little voice way in the back says "I don't THINK so!!", listen to it. Sometimes it is too easy to convince oneself that "it will be OK" when in reality, deep down you know it won't be.

So yep, be friends, talk about future if it seems right, be honest always.
:hugs:hugs
 

ragdollcatlady

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I have a new little friend.... He snores!!!
Rico Stinko Suave.jpg
 

ragdollcatlady

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Yeah, he has quite a bit of healing to do. I can't give details, but he is doing very well after just a few days in our care. We, his vet and I, are trying a new/different type of repair and bandage cover over the biggest wounds.
 

Southern by choice

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:weee:weee:weee

I am jumping for joy with you! I understand having your babies home!

The pup is adorable! Hope he heals quickly. What is his name?
 

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