Texas Transplants Funny

murphysranch

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I;m on a FB page where people are leaving Calif to move to other states for various reasons. Texas is huge as are the Carolinas and Tennessee. This was a funny from a person who escaped Calif:

Diary of a newcomer to Texas.
Dear Diary,
Just moved to Texas! Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. It is beautiful, I've finally found my home, I love it here.
June 14th:
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.
June 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
July 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least, it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected. Forgot and walked barefoot on a sidewalk today. The blisters will be OK by tomorrow, I think.
July 15th:
Fell asleep by the community pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the good ole' sun in a climate like this.
July 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts. The cicadas in the trees never shut up.
July 30th:
Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $225,000 house and I can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here? A buzzing June bug landed on me in the middle of the night and I peed my pants.
August 4th:
Its 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.
August 6th:
Opened the closet and looked at my sweater and coat. Why? Why? Why did I even bring this stuff? Got Fall Fashion catalog in the mail today with pictures of beautiful sweaters. Threw the catalog out the window. Bought more tank tops in different colors.
August 8th:
If another wise guy cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to strangle him. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked A$$ !
August 9th:
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the seats in the car, I thought my rear was on fire. My legs accidentally touched the leather and melted to the seat. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and rear end . . . Now my car smells like burnt hair.
August 10th:
The weather report might as well be a dang recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do anything but sit by a fan for 2 darn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this state? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow away. Even the cactus can't live here.
August 14th:
Welcome to HADES! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead. Forgot to crack the window and blew the darn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and guess what he asked me??? "Hot enough for you today?" My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail. Freaking Texas. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live in this state ?? Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.
 

Baymule

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Cicadas really do never shut up.
I love Texas jokes like this! It’s funny, but oh so true! In 2011, we had over 30 days of 100F and higher, days. Drought. Hot. Trees died. 2012 was a repeat of 2011.

I’ve lived with no AC before, was raised with no AC, so nothing new. I much prefer AC and would pay a repair man any amount of money to fix it! LOL

Actually, last summer when I was living in my sons house, the AC died. Son had a new unit installed. Took a few days. About a month later, it quit. I called the company, small family owned. The man offered to come out right then. By the time he called me back, it was 8:00 and I told him come in the morning. He was incredulous that I wasn’t screaming bloody murder, but I told him I figured he’d been in hot attics all day, was tired, get some rest and come next morning because I wasn’t going to die. I opened windows, used a fan and was ok. It does get hot here!

And NEVER wear shorts and sit on vinyl or leather car seats in hot weather! Keep a towel in the car to sit on.

And humidity! I live 3 hours, 175 miles from Galveston. The Gulf of Mexico. Humid. Walk outside, just stand there, do nothing, and pop out in a sweat.

HADES? Yup! Texas is good practice if you’ve been bad in life and expect to go to Hell.
 

Kiki

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Cicadas really do never shut up.
I love Texas jokes like this! It’s funny, but oh so true! In 2011, we had over 30 days of 100F and higher, days. Drought. Hot. Trees died. 2012 was a repeat of 2011.

I’ve lived with no AC before, was raised with no AC, so nothing new. I much prefer AC and would pay a repair man any amount of money to fix it! LOL

Actually, last summer when I was living in my sons house, the AC died. Son had a new unit installed. Took a few days. About a month later, it quit. I called the company, small family owned. The man offered to come out right then. By the time he called me back, it was 8:00 and I told him come in the morning. He was incredulous that I wasn’t screaming bloody murder, but I told him I figured he’d been in hot attics all day, was tired, get some rest and come next morning because I wasn’t going to die. I opened windows, used a fan and was ok. It does get hot here!

And NEVER wear shorts and sit on vinyl or leather car seats in hot weather! Keep a towel in the car to sit on.

And humidity! I live 3 hours, 175 miles from Galveston. The Gulf of Mexico. Humid. Walk outside, just stand there, do nothing, and pop out in a sweat.

HADES? Yup! Texas is good practice if you’ve been bad in life and expect to go to Hell.
I am pretty sure Houston is hotter than hell.
 

SageHill

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Cicadas really do never shut up.
I love Texas jokes like this! It’s funny, but oh so true! In 2011, we had over 30 days of 100F and higher, days. Drought. Hot. Trees died. 2012 was a repeat of 2011.

I’ve lived with no AC before, was raised with no AC, so nothing new. I much prefer AC and would pay a repair man any amount of money to fix it! LOL

Actually, last summer when I was living in my sons house, the AC died. Son had a new unit installed. Took a few days. About a month later, it quit. I called the company, small family owned. The man offered to come out right then. By the time he called me back, it was 8:00 and I told him come in the morning. He was incredulous that I wasn’t screaming bloody murder, but I told him I figured he’d been in hot attics all day, was tired, get some rest and come next morning because I wasn’t going to die. I opened windows, used a fan and was ok. It does get hot here!

And NEVER wear shorts and sit on vinyl or leather car seats in hot weather! Keep a towel in the car to sit on.

And humidity! I live 3 hours, 175 miles from Galveston. The Gulf of Mexico. Humid. Walk outside, just stand there, do nothing, and pop out in a sweat.

HADES? Yup! Texas is good practice if you’ve been bad in life and expect to go to Hell.
I grew up in the midwest - hot, humid, no ac, then below zero snow up to my ears in the winter, cicadas, mosquitos, etc. Two weeks in spring and two in fall were the best weather, the rest they can keep. LOL move to So Cal late 80s and love it - the weather and the land but not the "hot air" (which is why many, sadly, move away).
 

Ridgetop

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Laughed out loud the whole time - printed it out for DH.

We are moving to Texas this year. Have spent at least a month in Texas every year either July or August in our 5th wheel trailer. One year the AC died. OMG I thought we would die too before we could get a new one installed. Luckily the shop actually had our model in stock. We only stay in KOAs with a pool. No pool at our ranch, but DH has already checked out Doughboy types to go along with our AC. He has a spot picked out to put it already. The ranch house is surrounded on both sides by large trees and the wind blows - freezing gusts in winter, calmer breezes in the summer. Plans also call for installation of ceiling fans on the patio, and misters around the outside of the patio. Not to mention screened porches for those lovely nights - with mosquitoes. We like being outside and are used to living mostly out on the patio here in SoCal but will have to adjust.

We are moving from southern California where the temperatures reach 3 digits regularly during the summer but without the humidity. 3 digit dry heat is cooler than 2 digit humidity heat! The further south we go in Texas the hotter it feels with the humidity. When we visit friends near Austin we can feel the change in temperature as we hit Waco!
 

CLSranch

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where the temperatures reach 3 digits regularly during the summer but without the humidity. 3 digit dry heat is cooler than 2 digit humidity heat
Hard for some people to realize just how much.
Anything near the coast in TX is hot AND HUMID. I worked in the middle of Washington a few years ago and was surprised by 115 and up heat. I thought it was pleasant. I'd actually get off work and turn the ac in the camper off.

Then I'd come home to 95 and couldn't leave the house without a half gallon of water, half a gallon of tea, a 6 pack of beer and a spare under shirt, just to go load a trailer. And I'm way north of the coast but in a hi dew point corner.
 
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