Ragdollcatlady's Just a Little Patch of Weeds Farm journal

[CntryBoy777]

I think ya aren't doing yourself justice. You are not looking to add to your "life" to improve your "life" from where ya have made it to so far.....in fact, this is a crevice that is separating you from where ya are at, to a "chance" at something different...that ya have no way of knowing if it would even be worth the sacrfice being made. Then, after 6mnths to a year, if things don't work out....what then?.....uproot and move back to Cali?
I just think it is way too soon to be contemplating all that and I would stick with what makes me happy....even if it does cost a relationship or 2. If ya can't be accepted and loved for who and what ya are....as is...then, show them out the door and don't charge for the poop on their shoe.........I love your Boers and wish ya lived a bit closer....ya just don't know how many times I've gone back and looked at your pics ya have posted.....

 

[Bruce]

Can you not postpone this and give such a major life change more thought?

That was similar to my thoughts when I read RDCL's last post. There should be no hurry to move. You said the ownership of your current house is up in the air. I wouldn't do anything until that is cleared up. If Alaska is asking you to drop to 5 goats soley because of the cost of housing and feeding that many, maybe you will have the money to deal with that yourself after the house is sold. If he thinks any more than 5 is just too many to have regardless of cost or ability to support them ... well then I have to agree with others, maybe he isn't the one for you (sorry to even suggest it)

I hope you know that it makes us old people very to see our "daughter" suffering.

 

[frustratedearthmother]

I know I don't "know" you very well, but I have followed your journey. All I can say is be true to yourself.

 

[ragdollcatlady]

Thank you everyone for the support and insights, words of caution and wisdom....

To answer about the moving a ton pellets, he didn't ask me to. He was unhooking his trailer, going to leave them on there because he could not move them himself. He had sprained his ankle, it was bruised and swollen pretty bad from him walking and driving shortly after injuring it. I told him I could move them and I insisted he sit and ice that while I did. I regularly move chicken and goat food in 50 lb bags, not usually quite that much at a time, but still. Not a big deal. He did move them the next morning while I was putting them away, bringing them close to the hatch so I could reach them easier to put them on the pallet where they were destined to go. Team work as they say. And besides, who wouldn't do something that simple for a friend or neighbor? I mean, I think I like him more than I like my neighbors.

I know what I was feeling about this last development. Devastated fits the description. That is why I called my mama. She has known me my whole life and even a bit before! I know that sometimes I can be … shall we say, "differently perceptive???? " about my animals.... What I mean is, I know that sometimes things I think are totally reasonable to me, don't seem quite so reasonable to others. I was afraid my feelings that 5 might not be reasonable, may be one of those things. If people closest to me, that know me really and truly, still thought that 5 was reasonable... being able to tune into an average humans perceptions of course, then maybe I was being unreasonable, thinking that it was too steep a price. But seeing the shock on their faces and hearing all 6 people respond the same, I know that I am still walking on steady ground. And I am not saying absolutely not, but most likely I can't. At least not right now. The best I can do (besides pray) is to take things one step at a time. First get to the 22 I wanted to take. Pause, breathe, then feel and think of the next logical place to adjust.

This is one place I may have to say no, for myself. Because I cant reduce my whole life so far that there isn't any of me left.

That was similar to my thoughts when I read RDCL's last post. There should be no hurry to move. You said the ownership of your current house is up in the air. I wouldn't do anything until that is cleared up. If Alaska is asking you to drop to 5 goats soley because of the cost of housing and feeding that many, maybe you will have the money to deal with that yourself after the house is sold. If he thinks any more than 5 is just too many to have regardless of cost or ability to support them ... well then I have to agree with others, maybe he isn't the one for you (sorry to even suggest it)

To this... yes. The house issue will have to be solved before anything. Period. That isn't even up for debate. Unfortunately, that is part of what is stressing me out, not knowing if I am going to be pushed to move before I am ready or willing to do so. I do have a couple ideas, but I am hoping that whichever way the house goes, I can arrange to have adequate time to resituate, if do find that I have to move. And that is not factoring Mr Alaska in to the equation yet.

I do know that the cost in Alaska to feed my kids will be more than I am used to spending. I made sure to ask about prices and accessibility while I was visiting goat peeps up there. Here, when it freezes, my goats eat drastically more for the week or 2.... I know they are in fact going to need more calories, nutritional consideration, weather protection, etc...while in an extreme climate, and for much longer than just a couple weeks. So getting my numbers down for that reason is just prudent. And if blessings do come my way, then just maybe, I will be able to cover the necessities for my goats and myself, once the house situation is resolved. If things don't go so smoothly, then perhaps in another year, more of my debt will be farther under control and I can figure out what I need to do at that point.

And to the last line of that quote.... I am on the same page.

If I may share a little bit of observation from my mom. She believes and I agree, that he is probably frustrated and overwhelmed right now. He was willing to build a barn to accommodate whatever I was asking for. He is not a builder, but he is trying to build a big structure. Not even a particular fancy one (though the computer program makes it look downright fancy, the design is pretty basic... remember he does computers for a living ) And he was trying desperately to get the foundation and ground work done before the winter as that means construction weather will be over there. He wasn't necessarily trying to rush to get me there right now though he assures me I am welcome. I assessed the temperature situation and felt that the best time to move desert animals is at the end of our winter, but before the summer hits over there... to get them acclimated to the "warm" season so they can immediately start to work on winter "clothes" when the chill sets in, months before they would normally have that here. He was trying to have the basis of the barn done so that if I was ready, and my house issues were done and the shipping arrangements sorted out, then, just maybe, this next spring might be an option. Then the cost of things and advice from other people started to snowball. The cost is now far more than he is wanting to spend and everyone up there tells him the same thing. Tell her to sell them all and buy new ones up there.

And about my trepidation about being in his space, I was just sharing my own thoughts about the situation.... That is solely a concern of mine. He does not share that concern and is confused about why I am worried about it. He has been nothing but generous about sharing any and everything in his home, including being in his personal space and welcoming me make his house my home. He mentioned that he thought I would probably prefer to have a dining table (I would) and he was asking if I had given any thought to where my stuff might go and what I would want to bring. One large item I would like to bring is a hutch my grandma gave me when she moved. It belonged to a sweet gentleman named Lloyd, my grandfathers best friend. He was a large man, kind and gentle who loved to sing. As a child, I remember that the board games were stored in the bottom and keepsakes we couldn't touch were kept in the top display case. I use it and it is now full to the top with goat supplies, medications, syringes, microscopes, heat lamps, paperwork.... you name it, it is there. But if it isn't practical enough to bring it, I could find something similar to serve the same purpose without any hard feelings. He even went so far as to insist I give him the dimensions to see if it would fit in one of the more obvious spots that seemed logical. He mentioned a couple of the decorations I have and thought they might fit on one particular space as well. He has offered to make room in his closet for clothing of mine... probably just so I will wear clothes as I seem to have a penchant for forgetting those as often as I can get away with it.... I do actually live in the desert so if you choose to skype me during the hottest part of the day during a hundred degree heat wave... well, then that's on you Mr!

 

[babsbag]

FIVE!!!!!!!!! 5!!!!!!!!!!!! FIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How in the world would you choose 5? Slow down, take your time. Or better yet, sell the house, move to Anderson, bring ALL your goats, and help me in the dairy. I would love to have a crazy goat person living here. I know of some vet offices that are hiring too. Come on up. I don't "love" my goats like you do and even I couldn't narrow it down to 5. But then I couldn't live in Alaska either, I don't care who wanted me there...I'm NOT going. I love my desert.

 

[babsbag]

PS. I still think I should introduce you to my son. He lives near Merced, still in the desert. After all, we do already share a last name.

 

[Bruce]

PS. I still think I should introduce you to my son. He lives near Merced, still in the desert. After all, we do already share a last name.

What a coincidence! Is it something super common like "Smith" or much less common and a really bizarre coincidence?

 

[ragdollcatlady]

Be careful what you wish for @babsbag …. you just might get it!

We do share a last name. It isn't exactly common, its an average Spanish surname, it means "from Gallaecian Spain" (but don't tell my ex that, he refuses to believe it even though it was his....) so here on the west coast, you will find someone every now and again. There is a handful here in the town where I live (not counting my kids), but no relation that I know of. We actually didn't know until I bought a goat, Raviolianna, from her and I saw her signature on the paperwork.

 

[goatgurl]

i'm kind of agreeing with @Mini Horses on this. you need to sit down and make the pro and con list. I have read your journal for the longest time and the thing that strikes me is that after the divorce you have never just stopped and spent some time learning to live with yourself. quietly, just yourself, learning to love and accept yourself again. going thru a divorce is hard on your heart and your mind. you and only you know whats important to you and what you are willing to part with. just don't give away yourself, don't accept something that may be wrong for you.

 

[ragdollcatlady]

I don't know if my definition of alone is different from everyone elses… because I have literally been alone for most of my marriage.

My ex moved out years ago, as in took his clothes and all the stuff he needed to live every day and rented an apartment 3 hours away. That to me is a clear point that said we were over, even if the legal side wasn't done yet. It took me some time to pay for the lawyer to get the legal side of things started, but the marriage was over a long time ago. He rarely lived in the same house for any consecutive amount of time anyways. For years, he lived at his moms while the kids and I lived here (180 miles away). Sometimes he came to visit for a couple days a month, sometimes not. Aside from monetary support (he generally paid most of the bills), I have been alone and relied on myself, church, friends and family for help with regular everyday life stuff, as he wasn't around. I call a friend or the tow truck if I break down on the side of the road. I walk or call a taxi for a ride if I need one. I call a friend or family or tell my goats about it if I need something emotional. For a couple years, he did technically live here, but would take every job that had him away from here for a few months or years, whatever, just to get away. So when the kids were grown and he moved out for good, that was just the obvious end to the long road. I had my well going dry right around the same time and so many other things to worry about that I didn't waste time worrying about him. I had myself, my kids and my animals to worry about. A year after he moved out I made sure to say that I deserved more and would settle for no less than a divorce, just for clarification. Several months after that I decided that I was interested in seeing what is out there, other possibilities, if maybe anyone might be interested in me, possibly a real relationship, with the sharing time, stuff and everything that is supposed to go along with that. I realize that some of you may not think that the years I spent alone were enough to find most of myself and develop a sense of who I am. But I do, though I continue to change a little bit every day, hopefully for the better. If you feel like the only time I could possibly have grown and learned to love myself is after he moved out that last time, well, then you are wrong, had I not learned to love myself, I would have let him keep things as they were, it was easier and he was never around anyways. He hurt me many times over 27 years but I tried to be a good wife, mother and just a good person. I learned to be strong over those trying times because I had to. The sacrifices I made for my kids hurt sometimes, but I survived. Teaching myself to find companionship in my girlfriends and my animals rather than turning to a man outside my marriage, just because the one within was treating me poorly, took strength and a commitment that he didn't deserve, but that I did. I wasn't faithful for him. I was faithful for me. Because I am worth it. I gave everything I had so I could honestly say that I did. That he didn't do the same is on him. I do have some times when I struggle, but I am generally pretty sure of myself and what I want and need.

Some of the issues I am facing with Alaska are simply part of a new relationship, learning about each other. You are right that he doesn't know me really well or he would never have ever suggested zero goats... But I can forgive him that, just this once, assuming he doesn't make that mistake again . Almost everything else in my life is negotiable. Where I live, what kind of work I do to pay my way, what I drive, wear .... so many things don't really matter to me. My cats and my goats matter. My kids matter, and the important people in my life matter too. My house/home/foundation matter, but ultimately, my house is one of those things that I cant take to heaven or hell.... so in the end, it is also ultimately negotiable.... I'll just miss it a lot (the house issue has nothing to do with Alaska, it has to do with the ex.) I do struggle and worry sometimes, but who doesn't? I know that I need to hold firmly to the few things I truly can't live without and I can negotiate the rest. Occasionally, I do falter and I am glad I have a solid support system to tell me if I am right or wrong.

Also, part of the difficulty with Alaska is, well, that Alaska is so darn far away. Yes it would be best if we could take more time to get to know each other, but certain other limiting factors aside, the most ideal way he and I will get to know each other is actually, up close and personal and that means I will probably end up there...if we can figure everything else out. So far, what I do know about him, is that he a strong, steady, reliable guy. He takes care of business, finishes what he starts and shows up when he says he will. He has a desire to learn, to stay physically fit and he values intelligence and common sense. He has been very receptive to my concerns and has adapted to a couple of real issues I have brought up. I feel safe and comfortable with him. I enjoy his company and he enjoys mine as well. He is a good human and a really nice person. And I love making him laugh when he isn't expecting it. Hopefully this latest speedbump will be just that... a little slowdown.